Feminist redux

I’ve been thinking about this again. It’s pointless and useless and all kinds of futile, I know. But Mondays are the hardest of them all. And not just for me.Thankfully, I am preserved from the horror show that is The Dropoff  97.975643 percent of the time. That task of infinite joy and wonder falls to Hubby.

I especially pity him on Mondays, because The Dropoff becomes THE DROPOFF, not with just tears and clinging, but with blood-curdling shrieks and “No Daddy”-s on replay and a refusaltoloosenhergriponhisneckherblankieorhersippiecup.

This morning, in those minutes I lay in bed waiting for the alarm to sound, I contemplated what life would be like if I were to quit my job. It wasn’t pretty. We would have to move, doubtless, to a small apartment. We would definitely qualify for state assistance of several varieties. Goodbye to $37 duck costumes for Halloween and $100 kitchen sets for Christmas. No more trips to the zoo. No more children’s museum. No more new clothes (even if they come from the Children’s Place sales of the 30-percent-off racks at Target). No more pumpkin-picking festivals. No more carnivals. No more circus. Is that really what’s best for her?

But is it really best for her to be dropped off most weekday mornings? Is it best for her to see her mother two hours a day during the week? Am I really asking if it’s best for ME?

I am making it out to be worse than it is, I know. She has made friends, friends she asks about on the weekends and in the evenings. She has learned things I never would have thought to teach her. She hates to leave when I get there to pick her up.

Every day with her is more fun, more enlightening and more challenging. I embrace it (and her) with a fervor that sometimes scares me. I want the best of everything for her – including the best of me. And I just want MORE of her. I think that’s normal.

Every so often, Hubby will look at me over her head and say, “We get to keep her” with a smile of pure contentment. Thank God for that. Thank God we have 16 more years before she goes to college. And I don’t even know if that will be enough.

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5 Responses to Feminist redux

  1. Sarah says:

    Can’t wait for the duck costume pics. 🙂

  2. Marlee says:

    Its hard knowing what is best sometimes. I can’t wait to see duck costume pictures either!!

  3. Skiplovey says:

    Tough stuff for sure. Being a mom is hard, whether you’re at home with the kid or working outside the home. And it is normal to miss her, of course you do, anyone would. Making that decision is tough, good luck.

  4. mommymartin says:

    I look ahead at situations like yours and it scares me silly. You can’t see it, but right now I’m clutching Baby just a little bit tighter.
    Is there any way you could take an extra day off per week, or something like that, to where you could spend more time with her? Or maybe shave your day down by an hour so you could get more time in the evenings?

  5. rimarama says:

    Oh, I really feel for you, Michelle. Reading your older post and this one makes me think twice about all the complaining I’ve been doing about the trials and tribulations of being a SAHM. I know I’m lucky.

    For what its worth, though, when my first child was born, I decided not to go back to work even though we were going to be on a very low fixed income until my husband finished his residency (which was still two years away). I was lucky to get a nice gainsharing bonus from my company before I left, and we put that away to help put a dent in our mortgage payment for a good year, and I also started doing some freelance work part time once the V-meister was a few months old. It was hard, but we totally did it! I made a game out of finding cool free activities to do with her during the day, out of spending under $100 for our weekly grocery and indidentals budget, out of finding awesome kids clothing at consignment stores, etc. We definitely did not suffer, and I am very glad that I made the decision I did. However, I knew it would get easier when my husband finished school, so that made a big difference.

    Good luck to you, and keep us posted! BTW, if you are a writer (and I’m guessing you are!), you could totally pull in a nice bonus paycheck with freelance work!

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