Waiting

It’s been almost a year since I stopped writing here.

I had hoped a lot would have changed in that year. I kept putting off writing again, thinking how fun it would be to come back with an “announcement.” But as the days, weeks, months passed and I had no announcement to make, I had no reason to justify my absence. Then, as someone very close to me became public about her journey, her struggles, I felt silly sharing mine.

Because I have been blessed. I have the most beautiful, caring, thoughtful, gracious, smart, friendly and open little girl in the world (at least I think so). My wonderful sister, and so many like her, does not have that. My pain is miniscule compared to hers, augmented by the serious illness of her father (my stepfather).

I know what it is to feel my newborn child in my arms, to wake up in the middle of the night and be the only one who can soothe her cries. I know what it is to smell her hair, to feel her soft smoothness under my fingers, against my cheek, at my breast. I know what it is to hold her as she sobs from an injury to her body, her soul, her pride. I know what it is to see her laugh with her friends, sing songs on a stage, write her name, turn two, turn three, turn four…

Yes, I have been blessed.

I also know what it is to look into her little face and explain that no, there is no baby in Mommy’s belly right now. That yes, it is taking a long time. That no, neither God nor Santa Claus forgot Mommy this year. That it will happen someday, when the time is right. She will make an excellent big sister. She will be so helpful, so tender, so nurturing. I cannot wait to give it to her.

I am waiting. The pain is sometimes crushing. The hope is tempered.  But I am still waiting. And I am still hoping.

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12 Responses to Waiting

  1. Christina says:

    Oh, Michelle! I wish I had the perfect words to say- or a promise of when, but I don’t. You are in my thoughts, friend. I am still hoping too.

  2. mar says:

    I know the ache all too well. I hope your wait is over soon :)

  3. Sarah Lena says:

    I still think about you and your beautiful little girl quite often and I think the internet is emptier without you in it. :)

    Thanks for touching base. I’ll be thinking great thoughts for you guys!

  4. Erin says:

    I know. It sucks. That’s all there really is to it. I know.

  5. Honey, you’re speaking the last three years of my life.
    Oh how I have ached to make *that* announcement, all the while watching dozens make it around me.
    Maybe our time is coming, maybe it isn’t, but if I’ve learned one thing, we’re not alone in this kind of pain.
    xo

    • ledemeon says:

      Casey, I’ve been reading your blog through everything you’ve gone through, and I rarely comment, but I want you to know that you have helped me so much with your attitude about the whole thing. And knowing that I’m not WRONG for not feeling COMPLETE with my little girl. So, thanks.

  6. kuhlness says:

    I had started reading your blog shortly before you took a leave of absence from it. I was happy to see you pop up in my reader, but sad to read this post. Stay positive, you’ll be in my thoughts.

  7. Vixen says:

    Hugs. and more hugs. I understand your feelings. I pray that your dreams will come true soon.

  8. Illni says:

    I think you and I have more in common than U of I and the White Horse, and we didn’t know it. Hang tough. Good luck with the agony of house selling. Ugh. I don’t envy you on that new adventure.

  9. suze says:

    I’m feeling that ache myself, Michelle. I haven’t written about it, for many reasons, big and small. But it’s there, it’s real – we’ve been trying and I’m sad it’s not happened. I wish all the best for you!

  10. Frema says:

    Oh, man, if I were using Google Reader, I totally would have picked this up the moment you posted it. I just happened to click on your name from an old comment and look, a post!

    I am so sorry for all you are going through right now. Like Christina, I will hope for you, too.

  11. DOH! I didn’t realize you were back and neglected to grab your feed. Done.

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